I live in a costume

I’m wearing a costume, an uncomfortable one.  It’s been on for so long that it aches my back and stiffens my knees. It’s so damn heavy.

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Unlike the chicken little one I dressed my daughter one last Halloween, I can’t simple button this one off, or zip it off from the back.   This one will a lot of hard work and effort to slowly melt off.

Books in Bed

I tend to lose my books in transit-on planes and in hotel rooms. This evening I bought Refugees for the second time, I left the first copy I bought in a hotel room last week.

Only 20 Pages in, I almost didn’t buy it again, but I’m so frustrated that the last three books I started I did not finish and I’m determined to finish this one.

Not finishing things I start as one of my vices, and something that holds me back.

Take a mental health day

I enrolled my brain in a mental health recoup program for the day, and it’s totally working. It wasn’t spontaneous, rather planned.

I’m typing this from my pedicure chair, careful not to let my drying nails hit anything. I’m notorious for messing up freshly painted nails and I’m certain I’ve been cursed by many manicurists in my lifetime.

I’m spending the day in my small little hometown, we Came in last night and will be leaving tomorrow morning.

First, I slept in! In my childhood room in my parents’ house. I woke up around 10. I can’t quote a study, but sleeping in once or twice a week calms my brain. I did wake up to find my daughter dipping her finger in the Pine Sol jar. The grandparents don’t childproof their kitchen.

Second, I had lunch with a couple of my homegirls at my favorite Indian buffet. We’ve been lunching for 20+ years. I don’t care how wifey or mothery I am, there is nothing like sitting with a group of women and spilling out your soul, or just catching up. Even talking about boring stuff like meatloaf recipes is needed.

Third, I did my eyelashes. I hate the process but love the result. When I’m almost 100 pounds overweight, I hang on to these little upkeeps. I listened to an episode from you must remember this podcast during. If you’re into Hollywood Legends, download it !

Fourth, I’m taking care of the embarrassing chips and cracks and getting my nails done. I did choose an overpriced nail place so I can take cute Snapchats. Not sure if the added 15 bucks are worth the shots. I did get to use one for this post, above.

Fifth, if I can put baby to bed early enough I’m hoping to end the day at my favorite local cafe working on some reading and writing. No matter how old I get, I will never get too old for Coffee houses. Maybe too old to spend half the day in one like I used to in grad school, but definitely not too old to sit in one by myself for enough time it takes to read 20 pages of something.

I love my house but some things have been going on and I’m not in a hurry to go back home yet, although I have to tomorrow. At least I can go back with more peace and calm now than what I had yesterday.

Dissociation keeps me sane

Dissociation is a powerful survival tool, or tool against going batshit crazy.  This has been one of my secrets for getting through the past couple of years and being able to maintain a productive adult life professionally and socially.  This is what I want to explain to friends when they say “I don’t know how you do it”

I learned to dissociate when my father is in town.  He always wants to talk about serious stuff that I can’t think about right now.  He asked me about some things that he should ask my husband about but doesn’t feel comfortable asking him about, so he confronts me instead.  I agreed with him that my husband’s actions had been irresponsible, but I stopped the conversation short by saying “it has nothing to do with me”.  That’s it.  I don’t want to talk about it I don’t want to think about it.  I have a life to live and I need to move forward.

Writing while vulnerable

This week was my turn to submit my work to be critiqued in writing class, which I attend once a week for a 3 hour evening. I told Of personal tragedy, made myself vulnerable again. I’m grateful that it was so well received. I got some overwhelming positive feedback, and of course a little bit of criticism-I am not, in fact a writer.

Everyone is sleeping. I should go to bed, I have to be early tomorrow and have a long day ahead. However, I’m still on a little high from awesome today went and I think I’ll just take a bath while reading the feedback from my peers.

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Hotel Rooms Alone

 

This hotel room feels like a big empty space within a solid object, one of the definitions of cavity.

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I’m on the 9th floor of the tower of this casino hotel. I have a view of another casino hotel directly across from me.  Between is a fake lazy river (really just a big pool), some cabanas and then the large parking lot of the other hotel.   Married At First Sight is on TV in the background, and Jaclyn seems super annoying, just as annoying as Ashley was from the Atlanta season.

There was a time when I loved an excuse to stay in a hotel.  I loved room service and watching a movie.   Sometimes I would sit in a cafe, buy an overpriced souvenir mug, check out the buffet.  The life that was exciting at 29 is not as exciting at (almost) 34.

Today I’m really feeling the emptiness.   I didn’t enjoy today’s work.  It was exhausting.  So much frustrating miscommunication.  It was just a contract job.  Thankfully I’m at the point where I have options and don’t have to accept working there again.  Unfortunately I still have another day in that office, fortunately it won’t be for another two weeks.

Now I’m sitting here all alone in a hotel room with no one to tell about it, and I really miss my bed and my baby. I texted my friend, starting to tell her about today, but then I decided I was too exhausted to talk about it.  So instead I texted her if I should watch the State of the Union.

Tonight, I’m homesick.